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An Alternative Ending

Here's another good one from my past. I think it's telling in a lot of ways. After all, my first crush was on a cartoon fox. I don't have an exact date for this entry, but it was some time around November or December 2003.

***

He has a girlfriend. Need I say more.

So I found out yesterday that the guy I've been crushing on has a girlfriend. It's not really a big deal. He was more of an idea that I could sing songs to in the car than someone I could actually see myself with. He's only twenty. I'm looking for someone at least drinking age, if not car-renting age. :-) Besides, I could never date a frat boy. Especially one from a frat that rejected one of my best friends. Total punks.

While listening in on a conversation which I wasn't really a part of, I was reminded of how weird I am and why it is so important that I wait for someone at least three-fourths as weird as I am. They were talking about how awesome The Legend of Zelda video game is. Aahhhh, The Legend of Zelda...good times. No, not the video game. (I could never get anywhere with the video game. I can't get anywhere with any video game. Of course, that doesn't keep me from trying.) No, I was obsessed with the cartoon. Well, more specifically, I was in love with Link. Yes, that's right, I was in love with a cartoon. He was the arrogant, smart-ass, elfin hero of my dreams. In fact, you have to wonder about some of my early choices in men. (Not that you don't have to wonder about some of my later choices.) Among them were (This one's really great, neither human nor real.) Robin Hood of Disney's Robin Hood and Robin from the original Batman series in the sixties. I'm sure there were many more, and I'm sure they were all in tights because, after all, who can resist a man in tights?

I'm Back

I'm making an attempt to organize all my various writing in hardcopy form, but hopefully I can get back to some of my "greatest hits" as was the concept. Anyway...I found this, and I had to share. I'm very thankful I made such "bad" choices. I love being able to see how God was working in everything the whole time.

***

March 20, 2004

How I gave up privacy because I honestly just can't keep anything about myself to, well, myself.

Well, I took this blog down because the lack of anonymity seemed to limit my conversation, but then just couldn't get into the whole online diary thing. So, I'm back. I actually decided to put this back up when I realized that one of my old entries was actually helping me with a decision I needed to make.

It's funny how things just fall into place sometimes. Of course, even after I've seen how things can work out, I'm prone to worry that every new time things fall into place it's going to be the time it back fires on me. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I'll be done with classes in June, my lease is up in July, and I graduate in August. That means there are decisions to be made. The big decision is where do I go in July. It's very sad how we allow ourselves to be swayed by others when we are making decisions in our own life. Bottom line is that I've really wanted to move back to PC to spend time with my family and friends. Tallahassee has proved a veritable black hole in the social scene of someone whose idea of a good time does not consist of drunken puking, and it has left me yearning for people who at least try to understand me. So what has been the big deciding factor for not moving to PC? I'd love to tell you that it's my career, but the truth is I'm not that set in my career decision. I'd love to teach. I'd love to edit. I'd love to play with office supplies all day. I'd love to make a lot of money, but I'd rather avoid high stress, be happy, and do something I actually feel good about. (Whoops, I went off on a tangent.) Anyway, the big factor has been other people's opinions - not only of moving home for a while, but also choosing to teach for a while. Who said that whatever you do after you graduate is the last thing you can do? Hopefully, I've got a long life ahead of me, and I hate to think that I can never do anything else or live anywhere else.

If you are still with me, you are probably wondering where I'm going with this. If everything goes well, I have the opportunity to move home and live cheap for a while, pay off my student loans, try my wings at whatever comes my way, and have some time to make decisions in my life. And I think I'm going to take it. So, the moral of the story is...do what you want and tell everybody else where they can put their opinions on your life!

My Hair...

I need a haircut. Confession: I'm scared to go to a new hairdresser. I'm mostly scared of the fact that the salons in Coronado don't have prices posted and everything here cost three times more than it should. Argh. I'm sorry to write such a boring post.

FSU in San Fran

<-- My favorite people on the field, of course. FSU vs. UCLA

Am I in California? Yes.

Am I going to go to this? No.

Am I bitter? Yes.

Should I be? Probably not.




Am I comforting myself with the fact that the last bowl game I went to sucked (a pox on Chris Rix)? Yes.

Oh, well. I figure there won't really be many students there, and I hate going to games with "fans" who don't even know the words to the Fight Song (F-L-O-R-I-D-A, anyone? Come on, it's not that hard.) Aside from that, anyone who knows me know I'd rather root for Notre Dame because their mascot is a Leprechan. Hehe.

Bowie and Rings

I've decided I need more David Bowie. Why do I not actually own a Bowie CD? My music collection is lacking.

I'm going to be very candid with you here. I was sitting in the bathroom, reading The Rolling Stone , and thinking about how much I hate the "political" and "news" articles in this magazine, and I had a brain storm. Maybe the reason I didn't like Lord of the Rings (the book, not the movie) was because the only place I read it was in the bathroom. I mean, how well can you really get into a book when you read it in such small increments. But then I remembered that I really hated the movie, and that blew the whole theory out of the water...so to speak.

Side note: I did not subscribe to The Rolling Stone. It just started showing up on my doorstep one day, and I thought if anything belonged sitting by the toilet, it was The Rolling Stone.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I had a fantabulous Thanksgiving. Collin and I celebrated with some of the other pilots stuck in San Diego. I made corn pudding, hello dolly bars, and (the star of Brandy's show) phyllo triangles with a spinach-feta filling (yes, I out did myself and I don't mind tooting my own horn). It was a lovely evening. I wish I had some really amazing tale to tell, but I don't. So I will just say hello and happy day after thanksgiving. I hope you had a better time getting out of the turkey coma than I did.

God, Country, and the Dixie Chicks

I just read a blurb in The Rolling Stone that the Dixie Chicks are having to avoid the Red States all together because of declining ticket sells. Well, listen up all you hard-hearted conservatives who are so gung-ho for "God and Country." You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? Because I'm pretty sure God would say forgive them, and I know that the Constitution would say they have a right to free speech. So instead of boycotting them, how about you cheer them on for practicing one of the rights that makes this country so freakin' great. Well, at least it bumped their ticket sells in other countries.

Just for the record: This is the first Dixie Chicks CD that I didn't buy. I listened to some samples and it just didn't sound that great. My tolerance for anything country has been worn down to near nothing. Add that to the fact that I'm just pretty much disgusted with mainstream music, and you've got a losing combination. Sorry, Chicks. Come up with something creative and less poppy and I'll give it a try.

O.J. Simpson to Discuss Killings

Excite News - O.J. Simpson to Discuss Killings

Does this weird anyone else out?

Bore-Ass

The few bits of Ali G that I've seen have been pretty funny. I thought the ads for Borat were funny. (I don't watch that much TV and I fast forward through most of the ads, so I probably avoided overload.) Then Collin and I saw him on "The Daily Show" and laughed our arses off. So we went to see the movie today. There were some funny parts. And I think most of the humor - shock and awe coupled with toilet humor - would appeal more to guys than girls (think Jackass). As much as I believe that if we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane, I don't think we can go into poor countries and film their lives and make a joke out of it. It's just too sad for me to look past and laugh. Then he finds the 1% of ignorant backwoods America and puts them on a big screen to talk about things like gay rights and Muslims. And Christians? You know what people...wake up...we're being portrayed like this because we are like this.

Brandy's Soapbox Statement about the pastor in Borat:
When Borat brings a prostitute to the table, the pastor gets a huffy look and says he has to leave now. Dude, have you ever read a Bible? Can you look at your stupid piece of "Jesus Marketing" on your wrist and ask What would Jesus do? I'm not even going to give you an answer. I'm sure you've got the book - Look It Up!

Anyway...in reference to the question I asked in my last post about the Borat article. Yes, I feel bad for these people, but I think if they're smart enough to sue a movie company, they were smart enough to know they were being taken advantage of. I would also like to point out that I'm sure the kids in the sweatshop that make Nikes would love to make $3.30 to $5.50 an hour. Heck, I'm sure the waitress down the street trying to support her two kids would love to make $5.50 an hour.

Okay, I'm calm now. Bottom line: Shut up and give the people some money. Goodness knows you're robbing enough from everyone else in the world who's going to see the movie. Plus, it's probably a tax write off. (haha.)

Excite News - Now Romanians Say 'Borat' Misled Them

Excite News - Now Romanians Say 'Borat' Misled Them

Question of the day: What do you think??

Crist defeats Davis

Bradenton Herald | 11/07/2006 | Crist defeats Davis

Yuck...Double yuck. I know we were voting between a douche bag and a terd sandwich, but let's go with the one who at least didn't say he was going to follow in Jeb Bush's footsteps (which I'm assuming means the total destruction of the educational system in Florida). Thank you old people of Florida whose grandchildren are probably going to some hoity toity private school in New York. My only consolation is that we kept scary Katherine Harris out of Senate. That would have been a quadruple yuck. Heck, I might have upgraded to some unknown sound that could only be me retching up all my food from the past year.

Okay, that was a nice soap box moment. I haven't had one of those in a while, and it felt good.

I finally found an RSS reader that I liked which has led to more wasted time on the internet. I think I'm going to have to start being more picky about who I read.

I know I was supposed to be back to my goal of blogging every day yesterday, but I was jet lagged. The trip went well. It was nice to get out of our normal routine. Now, it's nice to get back to our normal routine. Speaking of which, this disaster area I call a house is calling...

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Well...I'm going to be in D.C./Virginia for the next three and a half days. I'd like to say I'm excited, but I'm not. It's just that, well, my birthday is Monday, and I don't like my birthday. I've tried really hard to like it, and even I will admit that at least I don't have the whole "another birthday alone" problem, and that is something to be excited about. It's not the age thing or anything like that. It's just that my birthday tends to have a little gray cloud that follows it around. Much like my Sunday ritual of crying through the church service because I miss Eastgate, I've tended to get emotional, weepy, and sometimes grumpy over spending my birthday weekend with Collin's parents. I'm a little homesick. I know that it all evens out in the end and everything. Sure, we're not going to be home for Christmas, but we'll be moving back to Florida in February (or sooner) and then we'll only be 2-4 hours away from my friends and family. But it's my birthday...I miss my mom. Which translates to - it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Military SOS

I stumbled across this website when Collin left for San Diego, and I was lonely and in need of support. It's a great website with a great forum. Now, if only they had a website for wifes who can't get their husbands to stop playing stupid WWII computer games. Oh, Sims 2...how I miss you and your time-wasting abilities.

Fussy | NaBloPoMo

Fussy | NaBloPoMo

Well, this could be really exciting except that I'm about to go out of town for four days, and I don't think I'll have access to blogging on those days. I know, excuses, excuses, but I'm here, right? Tomorrow, maybe I'll actually write a real post, but for now, it's Lost time, baby.

Thoughts on Marriage and Weddings

Saturday, April 22, 2006 7:53am (Collin's House in Milton)

Collin is finally my fiance. Fiance. It's yet another one of those things I thought was silly until it applied to me. I hated the way people said it. "Oh, my *fiance* and I were at the grocery store." It's as if the person suddenly lost there name and simply assumed a generic title. I'm sure it was just the excitement of being engaged, but for me it was salt in the wound of my singleness. I was resentful. I was bitter. Anyway, Collin is still Collin, and I promise not to replace his name with a title until we have kids and he becomes "Dad."

The wedding. Meh. Maybe the wedding I want doesn't exist. Maybe it's one of my hippie dreams that will inevitably be crushed by tradition, culture, and society. I definitely don't want the "fairy tale" wedding. I guess at some point I did. I used to want to get married at Disney World, but you grow up and you see behind the facade of manufactured dreams. You also see the world and realize that there are things out there that are a lot more genuine. Ireland is the happiest place on earth for me. It's beautiful and magical without trying. Crap. I'm on a tangent about Disney World. Okay, back to the point. At first I was really exited about planning the wedding, slightly nervous, but excited. I thought I could balance what I wanted with the expectations of tradition. There are some traditions I embrace: the garter, the bouquet, the cake, the first dance. Although, when you consider that the cake costs hundreds of dollars, it's easy to not like that tradition. And that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? A wedding is commerce. It's the product of a Hallmark culture. How many expensive material needs can we fullfil with the production of one event. Eventually, they'll start charging admission. Okay, I'm digressing again. So there was the initial excitement. When we started talking about getting married in a month, there was an initial disappointment. That initial disappointment was soon replaced with a more level-headed calm. It was very similar to what happened when I found out Val had eloped. At first I was sad and disappointed. I felt like I had been cheated out of being the maid of honor. It took me about an hour to figure out this meant I didn't have to coordinate a million wedding plans or plan silly parties or spend a couple hundred dollars on a dress that I will never wear again. And in the end I realized that I was being selfish. This wasn't about me; it was about Valerie and Jehremie.

I guess it's really hard for me to understand why people that care about us would want us to be apart. I fear that at this stage in our relationship, six months apart would actually decrease our understanding of each other. The things we need to learn about each other need to be learned in person. There are some things that can't be conveyed through telephones and emails. There's also a fair amount of resentment on my side that he would be on the west coast and I would be stuck on the east coast. I don't think I can take another six months in Panama City. My plan was to be out of there in July, and even with my new-found happiness, I think six more months in Panama City would see me on the other side of a mental breakdown. I guess I could go back to my original plan. Move to Tally. Hang out with my friends over there. But it seems silly to live like a college student when you are ready and able to live like a wife. It's not something that happened over night. I've been preparing for this my whole life; God has been preparing me for this my whole life.

I wish Granny was here...for so many reasons. I want her to meet Collin. She would love him. He is exactly the kind of man she would have picked out for me. Meeting him is probably the delayed result of twenty years of her praying for me. I'm not sure what she would tell me if she were here. No doubt it would be similar to my own conclusions. Her and Grandaddy were yet another of those hasty marriages that lasted until the day he died. I think they got married in '37. Almost fifty years of marriage.

I have so many fears. I know where fear comes from; I know it's not from God. I know it's Satan's strongest tool against me. It's that little voice in the back of my head.

Strange Things

Yeah, not much has changed...not Panama City or my opinion of it.

***

February 8, 2005

V says that I must continue to keep my blog because I'm ever so entertaining (Although not always intentional). Now I'm pretty sure she's actually talking about things like my earlier performance of Back that Ass Up where I bumped myself downstairs, but today we're going to focus on occurrences that I truly have no control over. Mainly, other people.

A couple of days ago, I'm sitting at Starbucks with my mom, pondering the cultural study that Starbucks is. Here's the thing. I was always seduced by Starbucks before, but I became completely addicted in London. I lived with seven other people including two very stinky boys and two slightly loud girls. If the smell didn't run me out, then the fact that I had the fifth year of Harry Potter (Just released Bloomsbury edition, thank you very much.) that HAD TO BE READ. I couldn't do that with the smell and the noise and the yuck. Luckily, that whole thing about there being two Starbucks on every corner is actually true in London. So everyday I'd grab by humongoid, brightly colored HP book and head down the block, past the beloved Apple Store to my favorite Starbucks. Upon entering, I immediately forgot that I lived in a flat that smelled like a big poot (except for my corner which consistently smelled of cotton blossom, lavender, and marshmallow) as the wonderful aroma of COFFEE hit me. Sweet, sultry, sensual, crisp, foamy, wonderful coffee. I grabbed my tall nonfat caramel macchiato and the absolutely heavenly double chocolate muffin and headed up the stairs to where I could sit and watch the second floor passengers of double decker buses float by the window. But here's the thing...the people. A normal mix of normal people - Teenagers, twenty-somethings, middle aged, businessmen, tourists.

Now flash forward to Tallahassee. I swore I wasn't going to cheat on Aristotle's. I'm all about small business. I'm all about unique. But something had happened to my favorite coffee garage while I was gone. The hippies, normal people, and grad students had been replaced by Greeks. No, not the kind from the awesome independent movie that became a blockbuster about a big, fat wedding but the kind who....you know what I'm not even going to try to describe them...they're not worth that much mental energy on my part. Let's just say I spent 3/4 of my college career studying them for Student Publications and they reek of BS. So now my cool alternative music was drowned out by the steady loop of giggles and "Oh My God"s that follow around carbon-copied sorority girls. But worse than that, even the bar staff changed. The music began to change. So all this coupled with Starbucks withdrawals led me to the new Starbucks that just happened to be only a couple of blocks from my apartment. Oh, beautiful world. This Starbucks was filled with the same kind of people: businessmen, students, wedding planners and brides, families - Normal people (By my standards, of course).

So what's the point? Well, I could complain about how half the barristas in Panama City think a Caramel Macchiato is a Caramel Latte (Yes, there is a difference. I'll discuss that later.) But for this study, we're going to focus on the people. I've found that if you go in the PC Starbucks during the day you actually do get a glimpse of business people. But after 2pm, it becomes overwhelmingly two social groups: high schoolers and red necks. So the entire point of this entry. I'm looking at the group of car-clubbers outside, the table of teenagers to my left, and the "Missing Teeth" family directly in front of me and I say to my mom, "You know you can build the same building, decorate it the same, fill it with the same product, and yet in Panama City it becomes something completely different." The words are still hanging over the lemon cake sitting between us when they are cut by a glass bottle. A glass bottle that flies through my words, over the cake, past my face, and crashes into the wall behind me leaving a pile of glass at my feet. Yes, people, I almost lost my head at the Panama City Starbucks, literally. Only me. Only I could go to Starbucks and have a glass bottle thrown at my head. Well, me and the guy sitting next to me. But all's well that end's well, right. :0)

Time for a Cool Change

I'm not socially dysfunctional anymore. And I have friends thanks to Dan Russell and Jenelle Haas. I'm glad I'm not this person anymore.

***

May 13, 2004

I was born in the sign of water (Scorpio to be exact), and it's there that I feel my best.

Here I sit. Another late night with Nick at Nite. The characters on Cheers are slowly becoming my best friends. There are a lot of things missing in my life, and they're probably never what I think they are. I'll be done with my Bachelor's Degree in a little over a month, and I've had to do a lot of thinking about what I want in life. What I've decided is that I don't want to spend my life focused on a job. I want a job, and I want a job that matters. But the truth is, I've barely experienced life. The closest I get to nature is my occasional picnics by Lake Ella. I've becoming so socially dysfunctional that I don't even know if I remember how to make friends. I've made acquaintances in my classes but no real friendships. Overall, aside from getting a degree, I've accomplished very little in the last two years.

I let my classes get in the way of actually having a life and that was wrong. I don't completely blame myself. I have very little in common with most of the people I've encountered at FSU. Anyway, I'm turning over a new leaf. Dang it, I wanna go white water rafting. I wanna go hiking. I wanna have some fun! Where are the people who consider fun to be more than sitting at someone's house and drinking until you pass out. As soon as I move, this is what I'm devoting my time to. Finding people who want to do fun stuff.

They don't warn you about this in high school. They don't take you aside and say, "By the way, if choir was your life, and you don't do choir in college, you won't have a life unless you find something else...and this is how you do that." I don't want this to turn into a complaint session. I don't believe in crying over spilt milk. John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." That's my favorite quote, and it's something I have so much trouble with. I tend to live in the future. I'm always so busy worrying about what's gonna happen ten years from now, I miss what I could be doing now.

I guess I'm gonna end this because I think I've lost my point. Plus, Nick at Nite is distracting. Wish me luck on my new adventures! Wish me more luck on finding them!!

The Trouble with Alone

I thought this was an appropriate post for Valentine's Day. I still hope for someone special, but at least now I have an awesome group of friends to share everything with.

***

April 7, 2004

I'm not trying to sound like one of those eHarmony commercials. (Trust me. I tried that, and it was the scariest thing I've ever been a part of.) However, when my Bridget Jones moods take over there is nothing I can do about it.

I'm not Jerry Maguire or anything. I know how to be alone. The fact is that I've been alone for twenty-three years now. I've gone on a few dates. I've had a few pseudo-relationships. Anything close to a relationship that I have ever been in has existed entirely in my head. So, yes, I know how to be alone. And I appreciate my aloneness. There are times when I think, "Ugh, I can't imagine having someone around all the time," or, "Ugh, I can't imagine having to share my bed with someone" (which is ironic considering that I never venture to the other side of the bed). I can be messy at midterms and finals and nobody is going to bitch at me. I can make my house spic and span after midterms and finals and nobody will mess it up. And as the Quirkyalone motto puts it, "I'm free and open to possibility."

But that doesn't change the fact that I want to share my life with another person. Now, there are two reactions to that. First, there are the people who either understand or are emotional saps who overly understand. However, it is the second reaction that I would like to address - the empowered loners who say, "There's no reason you can't do everything you want to do on your own." This is true. And as I mentioned before, I've been doing everything I want to do alone for twenty-three years, and I also think that when you take big steps alone you learn a lot about yourself.

I took a big step alone last year when I went to England for two months. While I was there, I was so proud of myself. The only place I really wished I had someone with me was in Ireland, and that wasn't necessarily a romantic wish. When you discover something you love as much as I loved Ireland, you want to share it with someone, which brings me back to my point. The problem is that a year later, I'm still the only one who shares my experience. There's no one to turn to and say, "Hey, remember how great the music was in Doolin, and how quiet that little country road was?" "Remember how beautiful the stars looked that night as we walked back to the hostel?" There's not even anyone to laugh at how I spilt Coke all over myself on the bus. So, a year later, I keep getting these pictures back, and they're all of scenery. Everyone thought I was weird because I didn't really want to be in my pictures, but why would I? I know what I look like. What am I going to do, put a whole bunch of pictures of me in Europe around my house and on my desktop? I have two amazing months of my life, and the people who shared it with me were thousands of miles away talking to me every night on the internet.

Now, I'm not saying you should run out and find just anyone so you can start sharing your life. That's how a bazillion bad relationships and broken marriages have started. I'm also not saying that you should pass up opportunities now. If Ireland is calling, hop on a plane and go. I would go again by myself in a heartbeat. I'm just saying that next time you feel like a sap for wanting someone to laugh at you when you sing off key in the shower, don't. Be quirkyalone, but don't be afraid to hope for quirkytogether.