Time for a Cool Change

I'm not socially dysfunctional anymore. And I have friends thanks to Dan Russell and Jenelle Haas. I'm glad I'm not this person anymore.

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May 13, 2004

I was born in the sign of water (Scorpio to be exact), and it's there that I feel my best.

Here I sit. Another late night with Nick at Nite. The characters on Cheers are slowly becoming my best friends. There are a lot of things missing in my life, and they're probably never what I think they are. I'll be done with my Bachelor's Degree in a little over a month, and I've had to do a lot of thinking about what I want in life. What I've decided is that I don't want to spend my life focused on a job. I want a job, and I want a job that matters. But the truth is, I've barely experienced life. The closest I get to nature is my occasional picnics by Lake Ella. I've becoming so socially dysfunctional that I don't even know if I remember how to make friends. I've made acquaintances in my classes but no real friendships. Overall, aside from getting a degree, I've accomplished very little in the last two years.

I let my classes get in the way of actually having a life and that was wrong. I don't completely blame myself. I have very little in common with most of the people I've encountered at FSU. Anyway, I'm turning over a new leaf. Dang it, I wanna go white water rafting. I wanna go hiking. I wanna have some fun! Where are the people who consider fun to be more than sitting at someone's house and drinking until you pass out. As soon as I move, this is what I'm devoting my time to. Finding people who want to do fun stuff.

They don't warn you about this in high school. They don't take you aside and say, "By the way, if choir was your life, and you don't do choir in college, you won't have a life unless you find something else...and this is how you do that." I don't want this to turn into a complaint session. I don't believe in crying over spilt milk. John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." That's my favorite quote, and it's something I have so much trouble with. I tend to live in the future. I'm always so busy worrying about what's gonna happen ten years from now, I miss what I could be doing now.

I guess I'm gonna end this because I think I've lost my point. Plus, Nick at Nite is distracting. Wish me luck on my new adventures! Wish me more luck on finding them!!

The Trouble with Alone

I thought this was an appropriate post for Valentine's Day. I still hope for someone special, but at least now I have an awesome group of friends to share everything with.

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April 7, 2004

I'm not trying to sound like one of those eHarmony commercials. (Trust me. I tried that, and it was the scariest thing I've ever been a part of.) However, when my Bridget Jones moods take over there is nothing I can do about it.

I'm not Jerry Maguire or anything. I know how to be alone. The fact is that I've been alone for twenty-three years now. I've gone on a few dates. I've had a few pseudo-relationships. Anything close to a relationship that I have ever been in has existed entirely in my head. So, yes, I know how to be alone. And I appreciate my aloneness. There are times when I think, "Ugh, I can't imagine having someone around all the time," or, "Ugh, I can't imagine having to share my bed with someone" (which is ironic considering that I never venture to the other side of the bed). I can be messy at midterms and finals and nobody is going to bitch at me. I can make my house spic and span after midterms and finals and nobody will mess it up. And as the Quirkyalone motto puts it, "I'm free and open to possibility."

But that doesn't change the fact that I want to share my life with another person. Now, there are two reactions to that. First, there are the people who either understand or are emotional saps who overly understand. However, it is the second reaction that I would like to address - the empowered loners who say, "There's no reason you can't do everything you want to do on your own." This is true. And as I mentioned before, I've been doing everything I want to do alone for twenty-three years, and I also think that when you take big steps alone you learn a lot about yourself.

I took a big step alone last year when I went to England for two months. While I was there, I was so proud of myself. The only place I really wished I had someone with me was in Ireland, and that wasn't necessarily a romantic wish. When you discover something you love as much as I loved Ireland, you want to share it with someone, which brings me back to my point. The problem is that a year later, I'm still the only one who shares my experience. There's no one to turn to and say, "Hey, remember how great the music was in Doolin, and how quiet that little country road was?" "Remember how beautiful the stars looked that night as we walked back to the hostel?" There's not even anyone to laugh at how I spilt Coke all over myself on the bus. So, a year later, I keep getting these pictures back, and they're all of scenery. Everyone thought I was weird because I didn't really want to be in my pictures, but why would I? I know what I look like. What am I going to do, put a whole bunch of pictures of me in Europe around my house and on my desktop? I have two amazing months of my life, and the people who shared it with me were thousands of miles away talking to me every night on the internet.

Now, I'm not saying you should run out and find just anyone so you can start sharing your life. That's how a bazillion bad relationships and broken marriages have started. I'm also not saying that you should pass up opportunities now. If Ireland is calling, hop on a plane and go. I would go again by myself in a heartbeat. I'm just saying that next time you feel like a sap for wanting someone to laugh at you when you sing off key in the shower, don't. Be quirkyalone, but don't be afraid to hope for quirkytogether.

The Sunny Day Couple and Other Mysteries of the Coupled World

If I had to pick my favorite blog I've ever written, this would be it. I hope you like it as much as I do.

Just a few side notes: After reading Quirkyalone, I decided they weren't so much quirky as not believing in real, healthy relationships (I don't blame them, but I like to keep the dream alive.).

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March 31, 2004

They say to write what you know. Well, if the countless hours of unqualified relationship counseling to everyone from parents to friends to complete strangers counts, then I have a great wealth of knowledge on this subject. Personal experience however - nada.

I wrote a paper once on how the world creates a construct for the single person that forces them to constantly feel the need to be in a relationship. I'm an English major so the basis of this paper was Bridget Jones's Diary. Basically, Bridget is bombarded by constant reminders of coupledom that even when she is alone she hears the voices saying, "So Bridget, how's the love life?" After writing that paper, I was excruciatingly aware of what I referred to as the "plight of the singleton." Lucky for people like me, a counter-movement is on the move called Quirkyalone which I encourage everyone to check out at www.quirkyalone.com. But that's not the point of this entry. I don't know if it's just because I'm bored or because it's spring time and all the couples are out frolicking or because I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to be an old spinster cat lady, but I've been pondering the coupled world lately and I feel the need to comment.

Actually, what started my thoughts for this entry (despite the incredibly long intro) was the appearance of the Sunny Day Couple. These are the couples who, every time the sun comes out on a warm day (and we have a lot of them in Florida), flock to the grassy areas of campus and start laying on each other. Now, I don't necessarily mean that in a sexual or blatant PDA way (although those do exist in abundance around here). I just mean that in some form they are basking in both the literal sunshine of Florida and the figurative sunshine of their love, and it makes people like me who are normally perfectly content wish that they at least had a fond memory of something like that to look back on. Of course, the Singleton in me believes that they were simply put there to remind me of what I'm supposed to be striving for. But finally, I remember my cynical and more realistic side that arrives at the final conclusion: They won't last. Is it wrong that I bask in that fact? These two people who are putting their icky, gooey affection for each other out there for the world to see won't last longer than you can say, "Got milk?" (That one's for you, Val.) Don't get me wrong. I'm past the stage where I hate people who have found someone. (For the most part, at least.) When I hear that a friend has started dating someone, I hope and pray that it works out for them because I do think it's a great thing. I've finally learned that when someone says they're getting married the correct reply is not "Good luck," "Why?" or "Oh, really...." but it is "Congratulations." (Although, it's still not my first instinct in most cases.)

Now I find that even the cell phone companies are joining in the party. T-Mobile (remind me to cancel my service) now has a plan for couples to talk free. I'm sorry. I'm supposed to feel sorry for these people on TV who have someone who wants to talk to them so much that they have to take out a second mortgage to pay their phone bill? Nah, I don't think so. It's not "Hey, best friends talk free" or "Moms and daughters talk free" or "Practically married platonic couples talk free." No, no...it's couples who can't find anything better to do than argue about their phone bill talk free.

What? You are still with me? Wow. Well, I'll keep going then.

If there is one thing I've learned it's that if there is anything we're more obsessed with then being in relationships, it's being in bad relationships. Every other paper I read for my creative writing class is about a bad relationship, a failed relationship, a relationship that never happened, and so on. It's no wonder relationships don't work out. We love to be miserable. We love to look for something to be miserable about in our good relationships. If there's nothing wrong, we think that there must be something wrong or else something is wrong! I think the most compatible people never actually get together because there's not enough tension to make it necessary.

My final pondering of the coupled world (for today, at least) is hand holding. How does this work? No, I really need to know. Because it's been at least four years since I held hands with someone, and it felt comfortable. Everything since then has been that loose, awkward "I'm holding your hand but I'm not really too sure about it" stuff. I always find myself looking for ways to keep the hand holding exciting. Maybe I could lick their knuckles? Maybe I could do that trick where it looks and feels like I'm licking their knuckles, but I'm really just licking mine? Do you see the many dilemmas of the relationship virgin? I'm telling you. It never ends.

Career Day

Oh, yea! This is one of my favorite posts because it's true. Last year, I found out that Ms. May died of cancer a few years ago. This post is dedicated to her and the inspiration she gave us to be who we are right now.

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March 21, 2004

Don't believe that what you're doing now is what you have to do later. Ms. May was a professional body builder, a truck driver, and then a school teacher. I hope you don't have to not own a TV to be that diverse.

What a crock high school career day was. Val and I (who were not attached at the hip in high school although many people thought we were and even more of the male species hoped we'd somehow combine into some kind of super woman) can't even remember what career day we chose. All we really can remember is that the scary lady from Salvation Army came every year. I think it was because social work was thrown in with psychology and teaching. Anyway, the fact of the matter is that she was scary! I don't know anything about the Salvation Army besides what this lady told us and the fact that they make people ring bells for money at Christmastime (Who came up with that idea anyway?). So what she basically told us is that the Salvation Army is like a cult, er, army. Now, I don't know much about the army, but last I checked they didn't make it a provision that if you want to move up in the ranks you must marry within the army. Hmmm....I would say it's more like the Morman Church. Hey, you know what? If it works for you, great. Should it be at career day? Maybe. I mean thanks for warning me to run like the wind if I see the Salvation Army coming in my direction.

All I really know is that whatever field I wanted to go into, they never had anyone there in that field. Maybe the moral of the story should be not to follow your crazy church friends/crush into Career Day. I was sorting through my newspapers for recycling the other night and the Parade had a big article on what people make. Honestly, I don't think you can judge by what people tell you. A high school principal in PA is making $80,000. A school teacher somewhere in the Midwest is making $45,000. An adjunct professor at Notre Dame is making $6,000! What is that? And you see all these people who do four figure jobs...the adjunct (who's probably making money on books and other crap), the yoga instructor, the Toys R Us slave (actually I made five figures there, barely, but I did) and you wonder how people even manage to live. It's lives, and it's stories. You can't judge a person or a profession by a bunch of facts and figures on a page. Live your life and live it how you want because when you're done, you're the one who has to live with the regrets whether that regret is that you missed the big lights or that you took them. You're dream is yours and your alone. Don't fall into the pressure of culture to be rich and famous because rich comes in a lot of forms besides money. Famous is the face that changes a life, not the one that changes your TV channel.

Slacker

I would just like to point out that I didn't go to the concert this year, and I did not feel guilty. I guess I actually have learned something.

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December 16, 2003

This is where I apologize for not writing, but realize most of the people that look at this talk to me almost everyday and therefore do not feel as bad.

I didn't go to the choir concert tonight. I feel guilty. So does V. That's the power that Ms. H still holds over us. I think it might be the first Christmas concert I've missed since I graduated, but I just decided I'd rather spend time with my family. It would have been great to see who was there, but then I thought about all the people I'd see that I wouldn't know. If we could have something like a choir reunion, that would be awesome. Now, I know that all you non-choir people out there are thinking I'm a super nerd or something, but I'm not. For the most part, band people understand, so I won't address them. However, for the rest of you, the popular people can picture something akin to getting together with all those people you pretended to like because it gained you popularity and years later realize that all you have left is a great lesson in how to have superficial relationships and make them and yourself seem real for years on end. Except, for us choir nerds, the friendships were almost always genuine. (Apologies to the popular people. Sometimes the pent up aggression is just too much for me to hold in.) I'm going to move on from choir now because I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I've finally learned to do what I want. Now if I could just not beat myself up over it.

Welcome to My World

I thought it would be fun to put my very first blog on here. So this is it.

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December 2, 2003

A general explanation for why this is here.

1 - It's the easiest way for my friends and family to keep up with what's going on with me no matter how busy we all are.
2 - My best friend thinks that I need to put my life out there so other people can laugh at it. :-)
3 - Moby does it, and Moby is cute, sweet, and rocks. He's definitely my journal inspiration.
4 - Why not? It's not like I'm making anyone read it. Writing is never a waste of time whether it's being read or not.

So, I hope you enjoy at least some of it. If you read enough you're sure to find something interesting like me wrapping my leg in plastic wrap and packing tape to protect my stitches.

Welcome

Hey everybody!

Deep in the depths of the abyss that is my ramblings on xanga, MySpace, and my old blog World of Crazy Frog, exists some actual decent writing. My plan is to weed out the junk and put the good stuff here. So I hope you enjoy what I deem worthy to place in my Greatest Hits. :-)

Love ya,Brandy